At 4:25 p.m. on Thursday, shockwaves reverberated across the nation: Shohei Ohtani 〞 the Los Angeles Dodgers superstar and Japan*s most eligible bachelor 〞 announced via an Instagram post that

I immediately went to alert my Snapchat friend group, only to see that I had been beaten to the punch by another friend who had posted a selfie of herself at work with the caption along the lines of ※Ohtani is married 〞 that*s it for me.§

This was a common reaction from both those who avidly follow baseball and those who are fans of Ohtani*s cute, puppy-like face, his 193-cm athletic physique, his charmingly awkward personality ... and did I mention he is an international superstar? Much like a pop idol, Ohtani*s departure from the dating market obliterated the fantasies of millions around the globe.